Question: Is He Moving Too Fast?

Ask Decoding Meni recently met a great guy online, we talked for a while over the phone before we met. when we did finally meet it felt like we had know each other our whole lives. before we parted ways for the night we kissed and we def have amazing chemistry, and he says the same. a few days after we where talking on the phone and he admitted he was falling in love with me, i feel it too, but i’m worried its too fast. he says everything right and says he feels with everything in him that we are meant to be together. we have not had sex yet, he says our relationship means more to him than that, and wants to wait as long as we can. we have even spent the night together and slept in the same bed, but it never went farther than kissing. he is 37 and i am 31. i feel the same way he does, but i am still a little leery its too soon, and don’t want to be played. do you feel he is genuinely feeling this way? or do you think its too soon?


Mike’s Thoughts

I’m not sure how he could be “playing” you at this point.  Sounds like he’s had multiple opportunities to get what he wants sexually from you, but has chosen to not take them.  Unless you are rich and he’s making a play for your money somehow, I don’t think that’s an issue.

It honestly sounds to me like he’s had quickie relationships in the past, and he wants something more now – maybe he’s matured, maybe it’s because you are his ideal and he doesn’t want to blow it.  However, where things are going wrong is that he doesn’t seem very good at trying to achieve that so far.

For example, he’s throwing around “the L word” very early in the relationship.  Guys realize that this is a powerful word to say to a woman, which is why many are so reluctant to use it.  However, if a guy is genuinely trying to find love in his life, and he’s found someone that he’s attracted to, has great conversation with, and just enjoys being around her in a non-sexual capacity, he’s likely to convince himself “this must be love” because he wants it to be.

This isn’t always a bad thing, but it can be.  If it grows into real love over time, you two can turn that into something special.  However, if the newness wears off over time, he’s going to feel trapped and unable to extricate himself without hurting you – which will hurt him too if he’s a good man.

My advice – both of you agree to not call it “love” anymore for a predetermined amount of time (say, three months).  Continue to do everything else you’re currently doing, including remaining celibate.  Use that time to discuss what love means to both of you, and come to an understanding of one-another’s point of view on the subject.  Learn to cherish its usage.  If after that amount of time you can say it to one another, knowing exactly what it means to each other, I like your chances of it working out!


Dan’s Thoughts

Whirlwind romances happen.  The fact that you spent time getting to know one another apart from the physical aspects of attraction and sex is a big plus.  Unfortunately, there is no way to know if someone is genuine besides taking risks.  From what you have shared, it seems to me that he is genuine.  I would advise to keep on the same track – take small steps, spend time together getting to know one another in different contexts and in new ways.  Let the sex take a back seat for a while so you ensure the attraction is real, not just a pleasant pastime.  If he is putting the brakes on a physical relationship but moving ahead with genuine intimacy, I would say he is for real.  Only time will tell, so take the time to get to know one another and see what happens.


Leigh’s Thoughts

I think you are right to take it slowly. If he truly does feel that you are the one then he will stay the course and the relationship will progress in a comfortable manner. You are wise not to progress to a sexual relationship to quickly. Men marry women that are not too easy. He may also be making sure that you consider him to be special and there is a commitment. He seems to feel the same way so that is encouraging. Date and enjoy each others company and get to know each other in various situations. Sometimes love at first sight can be overwhelming but many people that experienced this love go on to marry and stay happily married.
Good luck!


Paul’s Thoughts

To answer your first question, if it is possible he could be playing you.  It is possible, but from what you have been saying it doesn’t sound likely.  When most guys are trying to play a woman, they will try to sleep with them as soon as possible, not take more time to wait and see.

As for him saying the “L” word so soon, I would chalk that up to his age.  As men get older they feel their biological clock ticking.  I know that sounds strange but no man wants to be 75 bound to a wheelchair and sucking on oxygen while their newborn baby is crawling around.  Men want to be younger when they get married and start a family, so 37 years old and still unmarried he is probably feeling the pressure.  There is probably a part of him that wants this to be the real thing.

Add in the fact that the relationship is fresh and new, which causes the brain to release all those feel good hormones many people mistake for love, but really its just a biological response to finding a compatible mate. And last but not least, he probably has dated a number of different women in his 37 years and he has figured out what he wants in a partner.  Chances are that he recognizes those qualities within you, so instead of wasting any more time he wants to make sure he doesn’t lose you.

Each one of these factors is paying a part in his rush to express himself to you.  The best thing to do is take it slow, which is exactly what you are doing. If he is genuine and going through what I have discussed, he will wait.  If he is trying to play you, his true colours will come out in time.

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