Do you see that woman at the bar? That’s her – the one leaning in toward her date, smiling like that, speaking to him in those hushed tones. Tossing her hair, sending all the signals. Yeah, I saw her undo that extra button on her blouse a few minutes ago too. And she does seem to be very hands-on, touching his arm, brushing her knee against his. Yeah, you might be forgiven for asking your friend how much they think she charges. But what if we have it all wrong? What if that isn’t their first date, or even their third? What if I told you that they had been married for ten years?
You would probably wonder why she was acting like that then.
If he’s been hooked for that long, what could she possibly need to do all that for? It’s not like she needs to seduce him – he’s a guy, we’re pretty simple machines; a nod and a wink is about all the warm-up we need.
Maybe because what she is doing goes deeper than simply the sexual appetite. Everyone knows the thrill of being flirted with, the buzz that comes from getting an unexpected compliment from the opposite sex, especially someone cute. What that says to us is, ‘You are desirable.’ It is no secret that women crave this, because there are multi-billion dollar cosmetics and fashion industries committed to reinforcing the notion, and obscene amounts spent by advertisers to align their products with the promise of being attractive. But guys want that too. We don’t approach it the same way, nor respond to the same cues, but every guy really wants to know that he is wanted by a woman. Emotionally, practically and even sexually.
It is often that excitement that we all play to when we are first dating, the escalating tension of being interested in a person, of recognizing the tell-tale signs of their interest in us. But it doesn’t take long in any relationship for that to begin to wear off, or to be neglected. Once the ‘chase’ is over and the bonds between two people solidify, it is often that rapt attention that quickly fades. Women will regularly lament the loss of ‘romance’ in their relationships after a length of time, but have you ever considered what that might look like to your guy? For us the missing element is sometimes not romance, but desire. Specifically, your desire.
To be wanted by a woman is intoxicating, but to be wanted by the same woman, even after the novelty wears off is something magical for a guy.
To have her not just accept his advances, but to take the initiative and to sometimes instigate a seduction of her own would be something any guy would appreciate. If she did so outside the bounds of the bedroom, or beyond the hours of darkness it would be even better! Basically, it would be a declaration to him that she still wanted him, that he was still desirable and that those early experiences were not some sort of fluke, or that he had not lost (all) his masculine appeal.
Don’t be afraid to seduce your man.
Break out those high heels and the special occasion lingerie. Consider flirting at the bar before dinner, or even in the grocery store! Those little looks, those glimpses of skin that were very clearly deliberate – they will do more than stimulate our blood flow. They tell us that we still have what you want, and by extension that we are wanted. They will tell us that we are desirable, and believe me, that’s something guys actually need to know.
I know guys like to pretend they are tough and try to give off the impression that they don’t care a lot of times, but men need to feel that you are attracted to them. The keyword in that last sentence is “feel.” Telling him doesn’t work, and writing it out will not be understood. You have to use your actions to show him that you are still attracted to him.
Showing him that he is the only man in your eyes, will help to give him the confidence to do the same for you. You have to remember men have very fragile egos. If he thinks for one second you might have lost interest in him, because he’s gone bald, gained some weight, lost his job, etc. He won’t have the confidence or feel good about himself to be able to flirt with you.
Boosting a man’s delicate ego is all part of being in a relationship with a man. One of the best ways to do that is by flirting. A good rule of thumb:
* Try to get your flirt on with your partner at least once every three days.
* Whenever you are unhappy about the lack of affection you are receiving, try to use that as a signal for you to initiate some flirting toward your partner. Unless he is very depressed or extremely stressed he will flirt right back at you.
P.S. Do you have a question you would like Dan to answer, or any of the other guys at Decoding Men:
1) Please be specific when you ask your question. Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response. What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?
2) At the end of the email, give us your initials and tell us where you are from.