I have received a few emails calling me rude and a jerk because of what I wrote in my last article. I have said before you might not like to hear what I have to say, but I’m expressing the thoughts of men. This is how men think you may not like it but you have to understand it. These are not just my opinions. I always have the guys at decoding men read each article before I send it out. Just to make sure we are all on the same page.
Many women thought that my comments about men avoiding “Red Flags” meant women must change their personalities to be able to attract a man. That is not what I meant by that at all. One type of Red Flag and absolute attraction killer is nagging. I don’t know a single person who’s personality is based on nagging. Therefore you don’t need to change your personality to avoid nagging a man.
So lets take a closer look at what nagging really is and why men don’t like it.
What is nagging?
Nagging is when a woman is upset that her partner does not think the way she wants him too. The woman gets upset about things like:
“Why didn’t you call me?” – She is upset because he didn’t make her a priority in his life the way she thought he would.
“Why didn’t you hang that picture?” – She asked him to do something and so she thought he would automatically do it because its important to her. Since it is important to her it should automatically be important to him.
“Why don’t you tell me you love me?” – She wants love to be expressed the way she wants it and is upset if its not being done this way.
These are all forms of nagging that some, but not all women do. What you have to understand is nagging doesn’t help a woman’s cause. In fact it just drives him away. The reason is women are getting upset at men because men don’t think like women. There is a really good explanation for that, its because men aren’t women. Men think like men and we will never be able to think women. To get upset at a man for that is like screaming at an ant for crawling in the wrong direction. He can’t understand you and no matter how much screaming you do its not going to change a thing.
Do you have to change who you are to avoid nagging your partner? No. What you need to understand is how to communicate in a more efficient manner with your partner. If you want him to understand your point of view you need to do a few things when talking with him.
1) Don’t get upset or blame him for your feelings – Once you get upset or blame him you start to nag. Once you start to nag he no longer hears you. That’s right men just tone you right out. We go and hide in a little happy place in our brain that is sound proof. Our brain is left on autopilot to say “ok” every minute or so.
2) Without getting upset tell him in three sentences or less how you feel and why this problem is important to you. Any more then that and he will lose interest or think you are nagging him.
“Sweetie that picture is very important to me. My mom gave it to me and its too heavy for me to put up, could you please help me put it up.”
3) Try and negotiate a time frame.
“I would really appreciate it if you could put it up in the next hour”
4) Inspire him to do it. Give him a reward for doing it.
“I’ll make up your favorite snack/lunch/dinner while you are doing it.” or “I’ll slip into something more comfortable for when you have finished hanging the picture.”
If you have ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog you understand classical conditioning. The experiment took a dog placed him behind a door. When a bell would ring the door would open and food would be behind the door. The dog learned whenever the bell rang he would get food. The dog’s body learned to automatically anticipate food when ever it heard the bell. A sign of this was the fact that the dog would begin to salivate. That’s when they stopped giving the dog food. Instead they would just ring the bell. After hearing the bell the dog would begin to salivate expecting food to appear any minute.
Think of nagging as classical conditioning but in a negative way. If a woman becomes upset and nags a man every time he doesn’t think like her, he will subconsciously connect nagging and the woman together. He will see a glimpse of his future, realize that this will continue to happen and increase in frequency as time goes on. Since he will never be able to think like a woman the only solution is to avoid the woman or withdraw into his happy place while she nags. Both solutions are exactly the opposite of what women are looking for.
Instead of inspiring him to avoid you by nagging, inspire him to want to listen to you. The only way to do that is to be able to improve your communication skills with your partner.
Sincerely,
Paul Wright
paulwright@decodingmen.com