Need a man? I’ve never understood why women spend so much time researching and fretting about how to attract a man. Surely you know by now that you were born to attract more men than you could ever handle. Your mere existence is irresistibly attractive to plenty of us men. And surely you realize that each one of you has perhaps a dozen, if not dozens, of adoring men who sit home alone every night wishing they could be near you and only you—if only they were good enough.
Now, it’s true that men are often attracted for all of the wrong reasons, at least initially, while you seek attraction that is more noble and three-dimensional. From the male point of view, we believe that a woman’s only problem is really an issue of screening rather than attracting. You have to keep us at an arm’s length (well, we like to think that it’s an arm’s length, but it’s really only 5 to 9 inches, on average) while you determine if we are worthy of your charms. Still, human attraction is a strange thing, and each of us is looking to find the perfect mate that we can love forever. As a result, we have millions of lonely men and women who either can’t find each other or are too insecure to grab life by the arm and take a chance. Maybe this will help.
Confidence is a Beautiful Thing
Let’s start with the obvious. I know you’ve heard it before, but you’ve got to put yourself out there, and you’ve got to be a confident, engaging woman. Confidence is very sexy and attractive to a man. For a woman, there are a couple of ways to demonstrate confidence: apparel and attitude.
Don’t be afraid to try a bit of a sexy look. There is nothing that makes a woman look and feel more confident than a nice pair of pumps, a skirt, and some bare shoulders. Of course, the occasion will determine how much sexiness is appropriate, but if you’ve got a great pair of legs, then, by all means, use them. Lose the running shoes and try something with an open toe. Whatever you’re doing now, just push it one step further. You don’t have to be Heidi Klum to pull it off. Skin is attractive all by itself, even if you’re a couple of cheeseburgers over the limit.
Always walk like you are on a mission. If there is a purpose to your existence, this demonstrates confidence and quality. Keep your head up, use constant eye contact, and smile. Close-up confidence is just as easy. Talk like what you are saying is important, laugh, be a good listener, and touch his arm briefly for emphasis when you are talking or reacting to his conversation. Speed up your movements and your speech just a little, and be somewhat animated with your facial expressions and gestures.
Don’t worry if you just don’t think you are a confident person, because confidence is nothing more than an act any way. Just fake it at first, if you have to. If you act confident, you will feel confident, and then—since confidence is nothing more than a feeling—you really are confident. It works just like happiness. If you’re sad, just smile and you really will feel a little happier right away. The feeling follows the manifestation.
Consider Men You Would Normally Overlook
Sometimes the guy you really want just doesn’t want you back. Sometimes you can attract him, but you just can’t get him to act like the Prince Charming you want him to be. News flash: He’s not the guy you’re looking for. Rule number one: Don’t bang your head against a brick wall. Rule number two: You can’t change him to conform to the image you want him to be. You can’t get Taylor Lautner’s body with Robert Pattinson’s personality any more than we men can get Megan Fox’s face with Katherine Heigl’s boobs; it just doesn’t work that way.
You’ve probably noticed that you get a little wiser with each passing year, and so do men. The problem is that you are about five or ten years ahead of him on the learning curve. The younger a person is, the more importance he or she puts on the package and the less on the content. Women are much more forgiving of appearance than men are, it’s true. But if there is one thing I can tell you for sure, it is that a mature man will see a deep, enchanting, and satisfying beauty in many women that he would not have found to be attractive when he was younger. Furthermore, he will appreciate her so much more than his younger counterpart. He will understand the privilege it is to be with her, and will be much more attuned to fulfilling her needs and desires rather than his own.
You should try talking to some men a few years out of your normal age range and see what happens. The other alternative is to talk to men of the age you prefer who seem to be more mature than the others. Often, they may not be as “hot” as the guys you usually desire. But the truth is, ladies, the hotter a guy is, the longer his tastes remain immature. He is used to being able to taste every flavor he wants whenever he wants it, so he is often attracted to the flash more than the depth of your character. You can wait for him to grow up, or you can pick someone who already has. A mature man tends to separate women into two categories: the shallow young beauties that could keep him nicely entertained for an hour; and the substantial, intelligent women who’s beauty shines from within and could challenge and fulfill him for a lifetime.
Ladies, if you really want a guy, just go and pick one out. Get into the game, even if it’s with a “safe” friend or coworker at first. When you’re out there, opportunities will arise. It’s the 21st Century—ask a guy out for coffee. Teach men that they too should consider a woman outside of their normal selection pool, since that pool doesn’t seem to be working for them either. Change your clothes, change your hair, change your wish list, and change your attitude. You were created by nature to attract men, so it’s just a matter of trying a few on for size.
John, you have some good points. I think the big point that I would like to reemphasize is that you can not change a man. If a man is not attracted to your look, there is nothing you can do about it. The same goes for men. For example I started losing my hair a few years ago so I decided to shave my head. Some women don’t like guys with shaved heads, and some women don’t like bald guys. There is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is either find a woman who is willing to look past it or find a woman who thinks shaved heads are sexy!
You are fighting an uphill battle trying to convince a guy who doesn’t find you attractive, to become attracted to you. Your time is better spent looking for a guy that is attracted to you. With this said there is one thing you can do and that is enhance what you do have and I’m not talking about plastic surgery. I’m talking about putting a little time and effort into your appearance, so when you do find that guy who is attracted to you, he will be able to notice you shining from across the room. Sweat pants, hair in a bun, no makeup and running shoes, don’t shine as bright as a nice dress, makeup and hair done with care and some nice high heels.
P.S. Do you have a question you would like the guys at Decoding Men to answer:
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