Women say this all the time, “I am a strong independent woman!” I know women say this because they want to let a man know that they have their own life, career, and money. That they don’t need a man to take care of them financially. It’s not that they need a man in their life because they are perfectly fine without a man, its that they would like a man in their life. I know these women don’t want to sound clingy and by saying their independent they hope men will realize that he won’t have to worry about some woman trying to leach off of him physically or emotionally.
What these women are trying to do is let a man know how great and amazing of a woman they are in a very short amount of time. The problem is that men think differently then women do and we don’t perceive the things women say the same way women do.
Sadly the only thing a man ever hears when you say I’m a strong independent woman is: “I don’t need a man!” A man doesn’t hear that this woman has an amazing life with a great career, she is capable of handling her own problems and can send herself around the world if she chooses too. All men hear is that this woman doesn’t really like men that much and really doesn’t see a place for men in her world. Therefore she doesn’t need a man and honestly she doesn’t care to have a man in her life.
Now is this what the woman was trying to say? No, obviously not, but that is how men perceive what she is trying to say. That is a very important point when it comes to communicating with a man. Its not what you said or how you meant it, what is important is how the other person understood what you said. Most men lose interest when they hear “I am a strong independent woman” because they think you are saying you don’t want or need a man.
What you have to understand is men want to be important in their partner’s life, they need to be needed. Men want to take care, look after and protect their partner. Men want to fix and solve your problems so your life will become easier. There is an internal drive within all men that makes them want to care for women this way. When a woman says “I’m a strong independent woman” you are telling him you don’t need him this way and that he will never be able to take care of you in that sense. That may not be what you meant by that comment but that is how he understood it. This is why most men lose interest in a woman once they make that kind of comment.
There is no need to tell a man that you are a strong independent woman. Be careful with what you say because it only takes one comment to a guy to make him lose all interest. That is why it is so important to learn how men think.
Sincerely,
Paul Wright
paulwright@decodingmen.com
P.S. Want to voice your opinion? I’m always interested in hearing what you think.
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is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response.
What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?
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As a dating coach for women I have to agree (and take issue somewhat too).
I agree that the modern, self-sufficient woman can leave no soft place for a guy to ‘get into’ her life. Alison Armstrong has GREAT books on this topic, ladies.
Where I have an issue is in telling women what NOT to do, then not telling them what they CAN do, Paul.
Here’s what I have my clients do to invite more men into their life…
– On initial dates, start to feel deserving of a man opening doors, offering to pay for you, etc.
– When first meeting, find things that you truly DO wish you could have a man for, and share those (without seeming deserate or needy). For example, “Oh I love going up the coast to San Francisco at least once a year. The road-trip would be more fun with a guy to ride shotgun, but I still have a blast once I get up there with friends and family.”
– Pair our ‘stong’ statements or displays of independence with a nod towards how you could use a little male-intervention here and there. For example, if you are loading a heavy object into a car, rather than proving you CAN do it, allow the man to at least help you with it.
You should be celebrated for your strength as a modern woman, but overdoing it is just false bravado. Look ladies, there is a big difference between acting helpless, needy and frail, and acting *so* fiercely strong and independent that all you’re missing is a penis and caveman club (think Grace Jones). Find the middle ground so your ideal man can find you.
Hi Barry,
Thank you for the comment, you have some great points in there. I can see your point about saying what not to do, but not explaining what to do. However, I’m sure you have heard the phrase sometimes a good offense is the best defense. I was trying to express to women that feel the need to say “I’m a strong independent woman” every time they meet a man to stop saying that phrase. Hence I was telling them what not to do, but at the same time I was also explaining what to do as well. That one phrase is a giant red flag among men that causes them to look else where. By not saying that one phrase, men will stick around longer to learn more about the woman. Therefore by not saying this phrase, a woman is being offense while maintaining a good defense with her dating strategies. Essentially she is killing two birds with one stone. Hence why I felt it was an important phrase to specifically discuss.
I always appreciate the comments to keep me on the straight and narrow and for adding in your suggestions.
Paul Wright