Valuing Yourself For Finding The One

We’ve all been there – a low point in our lives when we think we are worthless and have nothing to offer someone. Maybe it came after a bad break-up, maybe it occurs when someone you’ve longed for has rejected you. Regardless of how it happens, when you feel like you’re in that deep hole of being undesirable, it can be nearly impossible to climb out.

But climb out of it you must! While it’s perfectly normal and natural to have these feeling for a while, they can be the biggest turn-off to find the right guy – and the biggest turn-on to find the wrong one.  Here are some thoughts and examples on how you can devalue yourself the men in the dating world.

The biggest, which I’ve seen many times myself, is talking about the ex. Sure, he was a big part of your life, but this guy you’re out with doesn’t want to be privy to everything this guy did or said. Carrying on about him tells us a couple of things – 1. you are not over him, or 2. you’re too damaged to enter into a new relationship.

Sure, it’s easy for me to say “don’t talk about him”, right? I never said it would be easy to do, just that it’s necessary. If you find yourself bringing him up constantly to friends or even on dates, chances are good that you’re not really ready to date again. Spend time with yourself and/or patient friends to find ways you can be happy without thinking of the ex. Throw yourself into work or hobbies for a bit and make a success of yourself without boyfriend help. Nothing’s more attractive than the self-confidence that comes with success.  In other words, give yourself plenty of things to talk about that don’t involve him.

Another big one is downplaying your intelligence or changing your life to fit his. Ladies, while it would appear to be the easiest and quickest way to snag a man’s attention, it sure isn’t the way to keep him. After the mating rituals are done, if a man isn’t intrigued by what the woman thinks or her opinions, he’s going to get bored.

I’m not saying disagree with him for the sake of being contrary either. Encourage him to discuss his thoughts and feelings – if he’s worth your time, he’ll ask the same of you. If something he says doesn’t jibe with your feelings, ask him for more thoughts – after all, you’re also trying to evaluate whether he’s a good fit for you too. It doesn’t hurt for him to be made aware of this fact in a subtle way as well – it should increase the attraction if he’s the right man.

A third one is being clingy. You’ve found a man that’s amazing and you don’t ever want to let him go – that’s great, but to smother him is to take away many of those traits that you find attractive to begin with. To try and insinuate yourself into every aspect of his life tells him that you don’t have a life of your own and you need a man to “be complete”. Like you, men are looking for women that are already complete.

If you have a jealousy problem and fear that another woman is going to steal him from you, it won’t be because that woman is trying – it would be because he never was yours to begin with. If he doesn’t find being with someone else absurd, you should be re-evaluating whether or not your relationship is solid long before another woman comes along!

One more thought to bring up is the most open to debate, and that’s sex. Being intimate early on in a relationship has been both the tie that binds and the kiss of death in my past relationships. It’s very difficult to tell if you’re both ready to make that step early on in the relationship. A good rule of thumb I have – if one is pushing for it and the other is uncertain, discuss. Sex should never be used to draw the other one closer – it should be used as a celebration of what you have.

Finally, everyone’s going to make small mistakes. If you aren’t willing to forgive, or if you make the mistake due to your thoughtlessness, maybe he isn’t the man for you.

Some of these thoughts you may have heard many times, and that’s probably because they are valid. If you’ve thought “There are no good men out there”, it may be that you need to rethink your idea of what a good man is instead of painting everyone with a wide brush. Make yourself attractive to a good man, and they’ll find you!


Mike Shepherd

4 thoughts on “Valuing Yourself For Finding The One

  1. alice
    May 9, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    it really can be hard getting over someone… it’s more like something can trigger your memory eg a song or a cafe/bar which makes you go on the downward spiral again!

  2. Kristin
    May 11, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    I agree with you, being too intimate too early is just a way to say goodbye to a relationship because it’s based on sex and not really getting to know each other!

  3. Jenniczyk
    May 19, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    Very true. Confident people are quick to dismiss unconfident people. I appreciate your point about not downplaying yourself – many friends of mine do this without conscious effort and still have no idea why they can’t find “the one”.

  4. Jen
    May 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Talking about an ex or a past relationship with someone your currently dating is a big NO-NO! Unless of course it’s the guy who opens up the topic, or unless the two of you is already on the next level of the relationship where you both open up and share your thoughts and feelings with each other.

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