Question: Is The Relationship Over?

I have been dating a guy for 2.5 months. We see each other almost every day, sometimes just for an hour but other times for many hours. I don’t drink a lot but there has been 3 occasions in the past 2.5 months that I drank too much. Our relationship is great, we get along perfectly and our values and goals are the same. We are both in our 40’s. Our sex life at the beginning was not the best because I think we both had expectations and worried about it being perfect, we have now gotten over that and our sex life is great. What I said to him is one time over a month ago, he is more of gentle lover then I am used to, I said why don’t you just do me hard like I am used to. That was awful I know that, we talked about it and I felt really bad as I did not recall saying it. Then a couple of days ago I said oh never mind, let’s just cuddle, that is what you do best. The reason I said this was because he was having issues inserting, I also don’t’ recall saying that or how I said it, if it was rude or just in a way like let’s cuddle and sleep. Besides those comments I am always telling him how great our relationship is, we laugh, do a lot of fun things together and are very bonded. I have told him I will go to therapy to find out why I say these things as I have never to anyone, this is the truth but I come from a 3 year relationship that was very unhealthy and abusive to me but it has been over for a year now. Not excusing my behaviour, just giving you insite as he knows it. We broke up Friday night, after I said this he kicked me out of his house saying it was over. I have texted him several times, I mean over and over…he did not respond until he said yesterday…..these sayings.

Lisa don’t do this it is very hard for me, I do love you but its just to messed up

I miss you but I don’t want to see you cause I am afraid we will get back together

This is just some of the stuff….then today he agreed to come and sit and talk with me tomorrow over tea but said there is no chance of getting back together because he could never be intimate with me again. He said it’s insane that I would not leave his house and kept calling…

I have been trying to work it out, kept saying it’s me he did nothing wrong and saying I was sorry and would fix it however I can. I never once blamed him as he is not at fault. I just have never dealt with this so I have no idea how to handle it or what to expect. He keeps saying it will only get worse…but I am going to see someone next week to discuss and see why I have said it, find that in myself…he knows this.

Also there were some saying below that he has said but the last one today was “I care for you too Lisa, have a good day” but still sticking to his guns on it’s over…

Regards

Lisa

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Dan’s Thoughts

Hi Lisa
It sounds to me like this is not unsalvageable, but it isn’t going to be easy for you. Your man clearly cares for you, to the point that he feels that by being around you he may reconcile without addressing the issues that are troubling him. From what you say, you two could be a great match. But here’s the problem as I see it – you have inadvertently undermined his sexuality. For a guy, that is a pretty major no-no. By critiquing his love-making as too gentle, then suggesting that cuddling is what he does best, you have effectively told him he isn’t giving you what you really want in bed. Perhaps he isn’t, but it’s a pretty damaging way to address it. You mention a few unusually heavy bouts of drinking: if these coincided with the offending comments, then he will read them as your real feelings, unmasked by the drinks. What you need to do is find a way to communicate to him what you really feel, both in terms of your satisfaction with your shared sex life, and (sensitively) how you would like him to add to it. As you suggest, I also think it would help you both if you could get to the bottom of these outbursts that are sabotaging your relationship.

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Mike’s Thoughts

The truth is, guys are very sensitive about their sexual prowess, and that sensitivity can intensify over time – especially if a guy is seemingly secure in his performance.

You can probably empathize with this. Imagine you are a painter. You love painting, and while your work was criticized in the early stages, over time you found you were getting nothing but praise. Look at this! A work of art!

Then, somebody you care about comes along and says, “This doesn’t work for me.”

Ouch, right?

A statement like, “Let’s just cuddle; that’s what you’re good at, anyway,” can unravel literally years of compliments, much less 2.5 months of a somewhat halting relationship. This kind of comment cuts to the quick, and recovery from it is very difficult for a guy.

What he’s telling you is that he will have a hard time forgetting you said it. Even if you praise him, it will still be in the back of his mind, and I have to give him credit for realizing it. Right now, he’s decided that moving on will be easier than forgetting what you said, especially considering he’s only got a couple months invested in it.

I’m not trying to cheapen what you have. I’m just giving it to you straight.

If you want him back, you have to go beyond the compliments. You have to explain that you didn’t mean it; it came out wrong.

It’s not an issue of therapy, either. You’re being honest, which is not a hanging offense. It’s just a matter of retooling your delivery.

Never tell a guy he’s a good cuddler. Even if it’s true, he doesn’t want to hear it. And, never tell him he’s a “gentle lover” – if you want rougher sex, try approaching it with questions, which will allow him some control over the issue. Ask what he thinks, and you may be surprised with what he tells you.

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Paul’s Thoughts

Lisa, you asked for honest opinions so I’m going to lay it out for you.

1) Getting drunk while dating a man is a big no no.  You have just experienced exactly what happens when you do. A person’s inhibitions go down and they tend to blurt out many things they normally would not say.  The worst part is a drunk person usually says it in a very crude way.  As stated above a man will take your drunken comment as a truth you have been hiding from him until now.

2) Despite popular belief that men don’t care about a woman’s satisfaction, the exact opposite is true.  Men care very much about satisfying the woman they are with.  Our very small and fragile egos need to be able to satisfy women.  For a woman to tell a man that he is not measuring up in that department is like surgically removing his testicles.

3) 2.5 months is not a long time for a man to get connected with a woman.  Men need a lot longer to form the bonds in a relationship.    He is not that connected and has not invested that much time into the relationship.  The easiest thing for him to do is just pull away.  By you calling and texting all the time, you are just making him want to pull away further and faster.  Pressure a man and he will pull away.  Its our escape and evade tactic.

The best thing to do in my opinion is apologize, let him know how great you thought the relationship was and how great he is.  You can explain how you are working through your problem (As I’m sensing there are issues that are not being discussed in this story) and because he is such a great person you would really like to remain friends.  Knowing he is there and having his support while you are working through such a tough time would really help you.

This will show you what kind of a man he is.  A mature man will want to remain friends and a real man always wants to help out a woman distress.  If he refuses to do this then perhaps he has issues that he needs to work through as well and he is not the man you think he is.

Once you have a friendship you can work on gaining back his trust and perhaps slowly open the idea of starting a relationship again.

Do you have a question you would like the guys at Decoding Men to answer:

1) Please be specific when you ask your question.  Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response.  What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?

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