Question: Is He A Bad Break-Upper?

Ask Men Dating QuestionI met my bf 8 months ago, and aside from 3 situations, our relationship was idyllic. He pursued me. He told me he loved me first and even said he was going to make me his wife someday. Three months in he became ” overwhelmed and needed a break” . After a week of unanswered calls & texts, he was back as if nothing happened. This happened again 3 months later without any warning, and again after 4 days he was back to pick up where we left off. We had a discussion about our expectations in a relationship, and he promised to remain in touch if he needed  “a break”. Almost 3 months later he became distant again. He was ” overwhelmed & needed a grip”. He stayed in contact only by text but it was very generic & uncaring. This lasted 2 wks. I tried to remain supportive but it was too stressful feeling neglected & confused. I went to his house to make a clean break & without him knowing I was going, I found my belongings already packed away & my bike seat had been taken off his bike. I texted him & told him he can take all the time in the world & when he’s ready to share his life & make me a priority then he can call. I felt he was jerking me around & just keeping me hooked on the line until he decided what he wanted. We are both 37 so at this point we should know the kind of relationship we want. He was upset because he said I was impatient & hadn’t given him a chance to change. I’ve tried to contact him to work things out because I hated doing all this by texts & because I love him & miss him but he won’t answer me. I’m trying to move on but it’s difficult without even knowing what happened! Does this man have a fear of commitment or is he just a bad break-upper? Any insight you could give would be very helpful.

Thank you.

Margaret

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Dan’s Opinion
I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess that the three ‘situations’ that prevent your relationship from being utopian are these unexplained and uncommunicated disappearances.  What that tells me is that your relationship is actually far from ideal, but you are making excuses for your guy in fear that this is as good as it gets.  Don’t do that.  If he needs a ‘break’ every three months then there is something fundamentally wrong with either the way you are conducting your relationship or with his outlook on it.  Everyone needs their own space, but there is a difference between going golfing with the boys and disappearing for two weeks with little or no contact and no explanation.  If all your things were packed and ready to go, it looks to me like he was trying to break up and chickened out.  Several times.  That means he’s using you as his backup girl; plan ‘B’ when he can’t go it alone.  You can do so much better than that.  Confront him and ask him to choose – either you or something else.  If he wants you, then you both need to figure out why he is running off every three months and work a way to avoid that into the relationship.  If he chooses to walk, I think you are probably better off.

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John’s Opinion

Margaret,

In your heart you already know what you need to do, but sometimes the power of love can cloud our judgement. Don’t mistake good times for a good relationship. Why does he communicate only through texts? The only people that do that are teenagers and drug dealers.

Jokes aside, you’ve described a classic example of a man who has no idea what he wants. It’s not that a man like that necessarily wants to keep you on the hook, rather, it is because he has no clue of exactly what he wants that he fails to make a solid decision on anything. To most men, a break really just means, “I need time to figure things out, but I don’t know if I want to lose you.” The fact that he’s taken multiple breaks in an 8 month span means he’s completely clueless. But you’re not.

And you’re right, at 37 you both should know exactly the type of relationship you’re looking for. You’re not being impatient, you’re being real. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Eight months is plenty of time for any man to make changes if they are willing. If he’s finding it that difficult, then he’s not going to change, at least not for you anyways. Is he a bad breaker-upper and is he scared of commitment? Maybe, Probably.

Why does every woman want to know what happened? To be frank, in these situations, often times the man doesn’t even know what happened, he just knows he wasn’t ready to commit. Why? Well that’s a different book.

At some point, you have to stop concerning yourself with trying to diagnose his psychological issues or trying to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong. The bottom line is it wasn’t your fault. He doesn’t know what he wants. You deserve more. Move on.

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Paul’s Opinion

I don’t know if I could have said things better myself.  One thing I find that people forget when they are in love, is that it takes two people to have a relationship.  One person can not always be there for the both of you. No man should constantly be needing “Time Outs,” we are not children playing guns in the back yard.  He is 37 years old, at this point he should be good enough with his words to explain to you what is bothering him or why he needs a break.

The only time I have ever heard of a guy taking off multiple times for no reason was because he was either involved in illegal activities or he was so emotionally constipated and stunted he could never figure out what he wanted or how to express himself. Either way do you really want to be involved with someone like that. Instead of being upset that he kept pulling away, be thankful that you didn’t get bragged into anymore of his messed up life.

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