Question: I Like A Guy Who Is Already In A Relationship

Hi Guys,

Ive been secretly crushing on a guy I work with for about a year now and recently decided to subtly let him know how I felt. The reason I had chosen to keep things a secret is somewhat complicated. When my feelings were made known a while back I was his bosses assistant and to further entangle things, he’s not exactly single.

Although we’ve always teased and flirted its definitely intensified over the past few weeks. He works in the field and I in the office so a good portion of our canoodling is done via phone, text, and email.

One Sunday evening about a 2 weeks ago, we were texting and he asked me what my “expectations are around us?” I wasnt sure how to answer because I wasnt sure what he was really asking, so I replied “well, im not sure.” This is the second time hes asked a question of this nature in the last 1 1/2 months.

I really like this guy… and even though our relationship is not my ideal, Ill take what I can get.

There are many more details and things that have happened (over the last few days in particular) that keep me wondering if he really likes me or is just in it because he likes my attention. Hes a competitive sports loving guy so maybe its the thrill of the chase?

So bottom line, what are HIS expectations around “us”? Is there something I can do to get more commitment out of him?



Dan’s Thoughts

The moment I read ‘not exactly single’ my heart sank for you.  This is bad news.  Period.  You are flirting and canoodling with a guy who is supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else.  If he were to end that and start something serious with you, how much security will that give you, knowing he is quite capable of that kind of duplicity?  As to his expectations:  He wants to know if you are going to sleep with him.  He is enjoying the covert attention and the sneaky flirtation, but he is trying to gauge how far he can go and still remain free from hooks.  He wants to know if you are expecting him to leave his partner to be with you, or if you are willing to take things further with no strings attached.  I would say there is a definite ‘thrill of the chase’ element at play.  Ask him what his intentions are, and see how vague he comes back.  I’m pretty sure that if pushed, he will backpedal from any sort of commitment to you that interrupts the tidy life he already has.  You say the relationship is less than ideal, but I would go further.  It’s not a relationship.  You are being led on by a guy cheating on his partner, and your prospects are for heartbreak, embarrassment and possibly work issues, depending on when you decide to break it off.  My advice is, don’t make this mistake.  You can find better guys, with integrity and the freedom to be with you properly, and not take these risks.


Mike’s Thoughts

I get the feeling from reading this that we’re not really getting the whole picture, whether that’s intentional or not.  Just to break down what I’ve read into one quick paragraph: even though this guy was involved with someone else, you let him know you were interested, which in turn made him interested. Now that you have his attention, you’re not certain what he wants – you even say that this is basically a “good enough for now” type of romance.

Since we’re not seeing everything, I’m going to make a few assumptions.  The first thing I’ll assume is that he is now single, probably because you let him know you were interested in pursuing some kind of relationship.  If not, my advice is to end it – unless you prefer being the other woman.

If he’s asked you a couple of times what your expectations are, he’s looking at this fling you’re having as more than just a way to pass the time until the right person comes along.  He has developed feelings for you.  The problem I see is that you’ve never really answered his question.

Men, for the most part, are typically happy with the status quo, unless they see some reason to move forward.  If he was simply happy with your attention, he never would have asked – he would be happy with the way things are.  He sees something in you that makes you his ideal.

I’m going to turn your own question back on you – do you really like him, or just the attention?  If you can answer that question honestly to yourself, you owe him that answer as well.


Leigh’s Thoughts

This sounds like trouble! What do you mean he is not exactly single? If he is married you may end up in an affair and they often go nowhere as leaving the wife may not be an option. If he is dating someone else then maybe he is tiring of this relationship and is looking for different opportunities. This has potential. It is true that some men are looking for the conquest and the adrenal rush that goes with it. Consequently the relationship should progress slowly as you don’t want to end up being hurt when he decides to move on to greener pastures.

I would suggest that before you can answer his question you need to find out what his commitment is to the other individual. You also elude to the “Ill take what I can get”. You should value yourself as an individual that deserves a relationship with a loving person that is truly committed to you and not in it for what they can get. Answer his question with a question and see what the response is.


Paul’s Thoughts

I’m going to be blunt.  When a guy is in a serious relationship with another woman, is flirting lots with you and asks you “What are your expectations around us?” What he is really saying is “I would like to have sex with you, but only if it is going to be simple and easy”  Meaning as long as you don’t get attached, want any type of relationship and don’t tell anybody about what the both of you are doing together, he would be more then happy to come around once every couple of weeks for sex.  However, if you want a relationship, that means you are going to get attached if he does sleep with you.  When you find out he is not willing to leave his girlfriend for you, you will become upset and tell his girlfriend.  At which point he is going to have to deal with two extremely angry women.  This is just going to become a huge mess for him.  This is why he wants to know in a subtle way, what you are hoping to get from him.

The thing is, he probably has been in his relationship for a while, his girlfriend doesn’t flirt with him anymore and the excitement that was once there has died down a bit.  Suddenly he is getting some of that attention from someone else.  It boosts his confidence and his male ego.  Now he wants to conquer that forbidden fruit.

One thing you have to remember about being the other woman, you are exciting and the forbidden fruit now. Everything is exciting about you at this point because he has never been with you.  Once he does sleep with you, that excitement is going to quickly fade.  He is not going to become more attached to you and will eventually become bored to the point where he won’t want to see you anymore.  The interaction you now have will become awkward and uncomfortable. The question you need to ask yourself is this the type of “I’ll take what I can get” you were looking for?

I don’t know you, but personally I think every person deserves something more then that.



By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). Decoding Men is not responsible for any use of the information in this article.


2 thoughts on “Question: I Like A Guy Who Is Already In A Relationship

  1. pauline
    March 10, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    i think that you should find you own mad. what kind of a woman messes with a man knowing he has a wife/girlfriend. what goes around comes around and it sounds like if you have no values whatsoever. I would never ever hurt another person like that.what if they have kids. you are a child and you want something you can’t have he will have sex with you and throw you out like trash. he knows that you know he is in a relationship and are still chasing him so, he probably has no respect for you. your are both Lame!!! i remember there was a married coming on to me and i told him to go chase his wife and flatter his wife the way he was trying to me and maybe he would have a better relationship. he asked me if i would be with him if maybe he and he wife split up. i told him it would never happen i would never be with him under any circumstance. I told him i had no respect for him or any man/woman that would cheat one their partners.

  2. Dave
    August 19, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Pretty simple really:

    If he’s going to do stuff like this with you now when he’s in a committed relationship, he will do the same thing to you if he and you end up in a committed relationship.

    My advice is to cut bait.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *