I am 29 years old and have been in my boyfriend’s relationship for 3 years and 2 months. For the past 2 years of our relationship, it was been smooth.. but for the next year we have had some often quarrels because of his being to bounded with his co-workers and colleagues. I have nothing against it, what I’m against was and being mad was of his giving more time with them than with the two of us. In short we have lost our quality times together…We have talked about it and I tried to change and be more loose in handling him. I let him have more time with his friends and colleagues as long as he lets me know..
But then, suddenly I had a bad feeling of him having an affair with another girl. I made a move and had proven that it’s true.
We have had confrontations but I talked to him in the nicest way I know but because I’m too much hurt, that conversation was flooded with my tears. I asked him what was his decision after all this. He asked me to give him another chance, and he will settle all things… I forgave him…I tried to trust him again and tried to still make our relationship work out….I thought, everything was settled…, but I was wrong..
They have had some quarrels to, as I’ve seen in his phone but still they are seeing each other and their affair was not yet ended. So I asked him about it, again. He always admit his mistakes and asks for forgiveness because he doesn’t want to lose me. We have had some short cool offs because of these things but he always comes back to me.. As far as I can remember, it would be the fourth time.
I don’t understand why he keeps on doing these things if he really doesn’t want to lose me. He said that it was all his fault, but he really doesn’t want to lose me and even if I leave him, he will chase and try to get me back.. because I’m the one he wants to marry.. The last time, he asked me to let him be with her and settle everything, to have their final closure. I gave him that chance, though it’s so hard for me to feel that they’re together. He said that it’s for me to have peace of mind and also for him to get rid of this problem.. He doesn’t want to lose me and he would never find another girl just like me.. two weeks after talking to her, I found out that he’s been with her again.. They had gone out with one of the girl’s friends.. I was always been informed by this other girl whenever they have been together, I know that her motive is for me to get mad at him… but I’m still so hurt because I know that it’s true, that they’ve been together. That time, I ran to him and asked about it. My boyfriend knew, the reason why I suddenly went to him.. I’m crying cause I really don’t understand… He said that it would be the last time because the girl is already going abroad. I’m so hurt to feel the betrayal again but For the last chance I asked him if he could still make our relationship work, and if he could let go of her.. and He said, he can. I let him feel that I trust him enough that he could make it, but deep inside I hesitated…
Yesterday, as I went surfing on internet, I found out that he had signed up to dating site. He even posted a phone number which I had seen before in his phone but not named.. It hurts me because it makes me feel that my boyfriend is still looking for another woman.. This morning, I sent him a message, asking him if he could be honest with me. And I said that, I know he could do it. He said YES. I even sent messages to the phone number posted on his account the dating site. He said that he doesn’t know me and he couldn’t relate to what I’m saying, but I insist that I know him and he knows me and I’m sure about it. I gave him a clue that I had seen his profile on the dating site with his picture that’s why I know him.. I also said, that I will just wait for him to tell me everything and I would not force him to do so, because I believe that, he would do it in time… I will just patiently wait…. I will patiently wait…
Right now, I don’t know how can I still trust him anymore, if after my soft moves he would still be dishonest. May I know what are the reasons why some men keep on searching for women even if they already have one? In my own point of view, from a woman’s point of view, it’s better for the man to leave a woman, rather than betray her. And two, how can a woman read the man’s words sincerely. Because women often fall for a man’s words and realize the lies when it’s already done…
Hope you could help. Thank you.
For me, it comes down to this one sentence you wrote: “I don’t understand why he keeps on doing these things if he really doesn’t want to lose me.” From everything you’ve described, he’s NEVER been in danger of losing you. So he feels he has license to say or do anything, as long as he confesses, apologizes, and promises change. Heck, he might have even meant it a few times, but now the cheating is a set pattern.
The old axiom “actions speak louder than words” has been said for centuries simply because it’s true. You’ve made the mistake of trusting this man far too often, and since you’re writing this letter, you’re finally coming to realize that it was a mistake to do so. It sounds like your lives are very entwined, so leaving might not be an easy option – but I strongly suggest finding a way to do so, as I consider this an emotional abuse of you and if you were my friend I’d want to take you away from the constant pain.
As to your main questions, why some men continue to seek other women when already involved is hard to answer, because the motives are so varied. For some it’s the thrill of getting away with it, for others it’s due to looking for extra attention. Regardless, to do so secretly is a violation of trust and shows a person of poor moral fiber and bad decision making skills.
And your other question about believing a man’s words is much easier to answer. Communication is far more complex than words – give just as much weight to a person’s actions, as they can and will tell you much more.
I’m not sure you really need me to tell you this, but I’ll go ahead anyway. To sum up; your boyfriend has cheated on you, repeatedly. He has posted a profile online looking for other women, which you have found and seen through immediately. He claims to want you and only you (to marry, even) but keeps going back to this other woman and looking for yet more. You say you don’t know how you can trust him; let me spell it out for you: YOU CAN’T. This is not a man; it is an adolescent in a grown up’s body, treating women as a source of entertainment and pleasure with no consideration of their feelings or value. You are better off without him, and any guy like him. I can’t say why some guys go down this path. It may be some misguided sense of masculinity, or some need to prop up their ego with female attention. It may be the misunderstanding that love and sex are not equivalents. It may just be rampant hedonism. But whatever his misguided motives, you can do much, much better. Cut your losses, delete his number and move on before he causes you any more heartache.
You would be better off, spending less time trying to figure out why men cheat (as the reasons vary) and more time learn how to find men that don’t cheat. Your boyfriend will continue to cheat, no matter what you do. If you like being cheated on by all means stay in the relationship. From the sounds of your email, being betrayed continuously is not something you are fond of, therefore you need to get yourself away from this guy.
As for how you can tell when a man is being sincere, that is very easy…LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS. When will tell you whatever you want to hear:
“I don’t want to lose you”
“You are the best thing in my life”
“I love you”
“You are the person I want to marry”
All these words are empty without the actions to follow through with them. If he loved you, was afraid to lose you and wanted to marry you – he would put a ring on your finger, spend more time with you and be loyal. How do I know he does not mean these words, easy – he has cheated multiple times and continues to search for other women online. Can you trust your boyfriend and the things he says? No, you can’t! Whatever you do, do not waste any more time or energy into a guy that doesn’t respect or appreciate you.