Question: Can My Relationship Be Saved

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I met a guy who showed a lot of interest and at the same time kept telling me he didn’t know what he wanted. Months into the relationship he decides to move in…but never adressed it…just sorta never left.

He’s a mobile tattooist and he had reached a slow period in is carreer so I brought him to work with me. When I first met was on the net…and I spoke of my best friend as my brother and even introduced him to my boyfriend as such. Throughout the relationship..he told me he loved me pretty much everyday..but his actions went against his words….I had a hard time understanding where I stood with him.

As my feelings for him grew stronger though the lie that I told about my best friend being my brother rapidly started to eat at me. So I wound up confessing to him the truth …that he was infact my best friend and not my brother. And with the confession I also explained the reason why I lied was because in the past I was accused from a past lover and assumed from friends, co workers and clients for sleeping with him and to stop having to defend my friendship both my friend and myself agreed to just tell people that we were related.

I worked with my best friend and this was the work environment that I brought my boyfriend to. It turned out as time passed that my best friend had more interests in me then I knew. His behavour towards me had changed immensly…and out of 7 years of friendship…the 2 months that we all worked together the cat was out of the bag. I grew very uncomfortable with my friend as time passed and wasnt liking his true colors and wound up quitting the job. My boyfriend quit the same day and called his brother to pick him up. We broke up on the terms “we’re taking time” and that no matter what we were friends 4ever. I felt in my heart though that we were through and that he just didnt want to tell me.

The breakup was very painful for me and I had a real hard time dealing with it. When he left he left some belongings behind for me to drop off the following week cause there was no room in the van. So when I showed the following week he knew what time to expect me and decided to go out and have me wait well over a half hour for him and his brother to return. From the moment that they returned I felt like I was being interrigated and attacked from both him and his brother. Everything Bobby (bf) knew about me now his brother knew and was literally throwing everything in my face. I grew afraid cause it gave me the impression that Bobby was really trying his hardest to make me hate him so that I would leave and he wouldnt have to tell me himself to get out of his life. i picked up my belongings and told him I had to leave because I was feeling uncomfortable and so he followed me to my car. I told what i was feeling and what I was thinking and he convinced me that i was over reacting and that why would he do such a thing.

I wound up staying with him for 3 days. When I got home I was feeling a bit dirty for sleeping with him and felt it was a set up…still being attached to him and feeling vulnerable to not take the couch while i was there. His distance grew wider and wider from me and the disengagement killed me inside. I went from telling him I couldnt be his friend cause my feelings were too strong and I was gonna want more to wanting to be his friend cause he ignored me completely inbetween. i couldnt handle not having contact. Than 2 weeks pass by and I`slowly discovered it wasnt ever going to be the same again between us cause during that time hes very short and distant with any conversation that we had and he pops up and asks  “So what about us..are we ever gonna date”

I was all confused and wanted to know what he wanted from me and demanded to know what the hell was going on. He told me he didnt know how to text his feelings over the phone. So we agreed to have a live chat to see where exactly his feelings for me were. the only thing he was able to really say was Ì dont wanna waste your time. Im the kind of guy that likes to have money and to spend it on the one i love. im not used to having a woman supporting my ass and buying me things. The reason why i wanted to know if we were gonna ever date..if the damage is repairable..and if its not than you jeanne i`ll always be your friend“…I`ve spoke to my friends about this and they say to ditch and get rid of him. I speak to my heart and it says stay and be patient. His brother has some hostility towards me now…I did nothing to him. He may be protecting bobby…bobby is letting him disrespect me and laughs when he does.

I feel like Bobby has lost respect for me. i know i shouldnt have lied to him in the beginning but I did confess knowing the risk of losing him. Ive heard his brother say in a closed room `where theres one lie there are others“…his brother has become a negative enfluence on him. ive learned my lesson before it was dealt…I didnt want our relation to detriate because of a lie that was retarded to begin with. I know hes holding it against me and it seems that with everything now i`m under a microscope. Which i dont mind..i made my bed i can lie in it. I was hoping that he loved me the way I do and would take the chance and forgive me for it. He moved in for 5 months and worked with me long after I confessed to him about my best friend. He said nothing to me at the time when I confessed. He did tell me though the day we broke up that I did fuck him over but that it wasnt something he was dwelling on but just that it was there. my life is an open book to him. I dont know if i should continue dating him. He just isnt the same person anymore. And I dont know if i`ll ever see the Bobby I once knew.

I would give my life for him if I had to. I wanted to protect his heart the way I believed he would protect mine. He always told me he didnt know what he wanted and then talked about the future in small ways..He`d been burned before…but who hasnt. I just wanted to be happy with him. I was honest with him…I knew what i wanted and maybe i freaked him out…but he was the one that started saying “ I love You“…

Yours Truly


Dan’s Thoughts

Jeanne, I’m sorry you have had such an experience.  I don’t know Bobby, but in my experience, us guys (at our worst) will say anything to get what we want – including ‘I love you.’  It seems that Bobby has kept you at arm’s length, being vague about what he wanted, not discussing the move in (or the move out) in any fair or open way, and yet he was happy enough to sleep with you.  The fact that he let you stay over for three days but remained distant when you contacted him afterwards … and then he calls you up and asks about dating?  It sure sounds like he is using you.  I would wash my hands of the guy.  ‘I love you’ is cheap to say but costly to demonstrate, and this guy doesn’t appear to be putting any effort into valuing, respecting or cherishing you – all the things that love really is.  What you want is a good thing, but you can’t lift a guy up to that who doesn’t want to be there in the first place.  It seems to me that Bobby will only say what he needs to in order to get you in his bed for a while, and disregard you otherwise.  You deserve much better than that.


Mike’s Thoughts

You’re right that telling your new boyfriend that your best friend was your brother – to avoid the strain of explaining having a guy as a best friend – was a bad way to start a relationship. We all do stuff like that, though, and you really weren’t trying to hurt anyone.

In other words, it would seem to be a forgivable trespass by someone who really cares about you. Yeah, it was a bad move, but you confessed. And, hopefully, you have learned that it’s not a good idea if the situation ever arises in the future.

But, it doesn’t sound like you were ever forgiven, and that he is not interested in forgiving you. He may still be interested in you, on some level, but if he does not want to forgive you then it is safe to assume being around him will create a toxic environment for you.

His brother may be having a negative influence on him, but that doesn’t mean he has no point. I’m not saying that because you told one lie that you should not be trusted, but it does make it more difficult for people to trust you and it is reasonable for Bobby to take that into consideration.

As for Bobby not standing up for you in the face of his brother, it is not right, but it is predictable. You hurt Bobby by lying to him and drawing him into what quickly became an uncomfortable situation that also presumably impacted his income.

That’s a big deal, and his brother is upset that you hurt Bobby. So, he wants to hurt you in return, and although that is wrong and Bobby is wrong to allow it, he’s happy to have his brother stick up for him because it shows him that somebody cares about him.

Even so, it seems clear Bobby does not desire to share the feelings you have for him. If you’re truly stuck on him, the best thing you could probably do is just be patient and see if time will heal the wounds you have visited upon one another.


Paul’s Thoughts

Jeanne, I would have to agree with Dan.  Just look at Bobby’s actions:

1) He is more then willing to move in with you and have you get him a job when times are tough for him.  When things become tough for you, he bails.

2) He says he loves you, but sits back and laughs as his brother disrespects you.  As Dan said its easy to say “I love you,” but very hard to prove.

3) He takes off and rarely has any contact with you, then out of nowhere he will want to know about dating and want to get together for sex.

If you look at his actions, everything he does is saying he is only interested in you when it suits his needs, whether that is financially or physically.  He doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him and that is not love. That is why he is distant with you one minute, but suddenly talking about dating the next.  He doesn’t really want to have a relationship with you, so he ignores you because he really isn’t that interested in being around you. When he gets the urge to have sex, you are the first one he will contact.  He knows he can have sex with you, so he calls you and talks about dating because he knows that is what you want to hear.  He will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as it gets him what he wants.

As for him not being the same person, trust me he is the same person.  What you are seeing now, is who he has always been. He only seemed sweet in the beginning because he had to work to get you interested.  Now that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t have to hide who he is.  The signals he is sending you are clear, you need to forget him and move on. There are lots of great guys out there who will treat you the way you deserve.  Don’t waste your time on a guy like this.

One thought on “Question: Can My Relationship Be Saved

  1. Jenniczyk
    May 20, 2011 at 12:43 am

    From a fellow females perspective, sounds like Bobby is a jerk, regardless of you lying to him about your friend being your brother. The guys are right on this one, you deserve better than his actions towards you. You deserve someone who will show (consistently) that they love you, not just say it, especially to manipulate you!

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