One Reason Why Guys Pull Away

I know I have talked about this topic before, but I thought you might like to hear it from a different perspective.  This is why I have all the guys at decoding men, so you understand how men think.  Not from one man’s perspective, but from a number of men giving their insights.  I hope you enjoy John’s article.

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If you were to examine the tongues of women with delightfully happy marriages, my guess is that you are going to find them scarred with bite marks.  Swallowing scathing comments before they are uttered can be a difficult but saving grace for any relationship.  Women hold two of the aces in the relationship poker match, and using them properly is the key to real victory, which is found in a healthy balance and not in conquest.

Men hold the aces of clubs and spades—the blunt objects and sharp weapons on the Dark Side of brute force and physical intimidation.  Try as it may to force its will upon a more formidable species, a yipping Chihuahua can be flung away with the swipe of a boot or the flick of a wrist.  Confrontation is not its strong suit, and nearly always represents a losing hand.  The strong suits for the fairer gender are the Bright Side of hearts and diamonds.  The shiny and sparkly appeal of your beauty and charm combined with a heart full of love and compassion are all you need to balance off his strength.  Your velvet glove wields every bit as much power as his iron fist—but it requires a cooler, reflective, and more patient mind to make it work.

The key to a great relationship is to tame your beast, not to defeat him.  Your queen of spades may be played successfully with your children, your friends, and even your boss.  But it is no match for his ace.  Even if you can shout down a more timid man, you are not doing your relationship any good.  Let me explain.

Nagging may win the day, but it will never enhance a marriage or relationship.  Think about it.  When you have an argument or a bad day with your man, you have a support system that you can rely on.  You can visit Mom.  She will feed you pie and ice cream and even let you curl up next to her with your head on her comforting shoulder.  You can sob endlessly  from the depths of your soul with your sisters or girlfriends, and they will tell you how wonderful you are and what a bum he is for mistreating you.  You can be pampered at the spa with a relaxing rub down and makeover.  You have ways to release your emotions and tensions, talk things out, be comforted, and get back to normal.  He doesn’t.

You, and you alone, are your man’s sole source of solace, compassion, understanding, and redemption.  You’re it—his entire support system.  Most of his self-image comes from you.  He can’t go to the gym and have a good cry with the guys.  He’s not going to take a bubble bath, put on a green facial mask, and then watch Oprah in his pajamas and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Unicorns and Rainbows ice cream.  His outlets are very different; very sinister.  His choices include an all-night bender at the bar, or perhaps the numbing escape of cocaine or some other drugs.  He might just leave or stay away as much as possible.  He may withdraw emotionally and become lethargic, which might even end up with him losing his job.  He could choose the seeming comfort of suicide.  And, of course, he will be very susceptible to the warm and welcoming arms of a sweet, understanding woman. I have used some extreme examples but you get the point.

Nagging is tantamount to emotional abandonment.  Don’t do it.  It is destructive and has no upside—ever.  Does this mean that you have to let him get away with anything, and you can never say a word?  No, of course not.  But you have to choose your battles.  If he cheated on you, by all means, let him have it.  He has it coming and he knows it.  If he left the kids waiting in the rain so he could have one more beer at the bar, lower the boom.  No problem.  But if you are behind on your bills, castrating him is not going to help.  Do not fall into the trap that probably destroys ten thousand marriages everyday.  Don’t make every problem about him.  Don’t let him make a problem about you.  You’re in this together.  Fight the evil thing—problems with money, in-laws, kids—as a team, and don’t fight each other.  Let your trial unite you rather than divide you.  How can you accomplish this?

Use your aces; bring him onto your turf where you can have a real impact.  Do you know that little rush you get when a man tells you you’re pretty?  For a man, that rush comes when you make him feel competent.  He’s doing a great job of providing for the mortgage and feeding the family, but you both need to find creative ways to trim the expenses or increase the income to make ends meet with the other bills.  If you beat him down for being a disappointment and a far cry from the man you married, that is not exactly a good pep talk for moving onward and upward.

When you have to discuss difficult issues that he may want to hide from, give him a little neck rub, a snuggling smooch on the cheek, and some understanding and encouragement.  Follow it up with a vigorous stress-relief session between the sheets.  Always let him know that you are proud of him, believe in him, and value his hard work and great abilities.  If you choose to belittle him instead, you will quickly kill the physical excitement, which is the glue holding your relationship together.  As the old country song says so well, It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long.

People fall into destructive ruts that simply have no benefits and plenty of detriments, and lovers are no exception.  If you have a good man, you can be the wise and guiding force that steers your potential death match arguments onto the safe and nurturing path lighted by your diamonds and your hearts, your appeal and your compassion, your sensibilities and your understanding, your candy and your nurturing love.  He will respond to that offering.  Kisses always trump anger.  Next time a discussion starts escalating into an argument and you catch him falling into the familiar routine of angry defensive posturing, surprise him.  Grab a hold of his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, gently and sweetly, “Honey, I’m just as frustrated as you are.  I know this is not your fault.  We’re going to get through this together.”  I’ll let you take it from there.

Please leave a comment below; tell us what you think, whether you agree or not and share with us your experiences

Sincerely,

John Morgan

 

9 thoughts on “One Reason Why Guys Pull Away

  1. Jenn
    May 6, 2011 at 12:39 am

    This article is filled with some really good advice! What I appreciate is the reminder for women to feminine and how being feminine is a strength and an asset to the relationship. These days, as women, we are confused about what “power” means. We want a man to offer us security, but yet we want to be perceived as just as powerful, or even more powerful, than a man. That works great when it comes to career ambitions, but when a woman and man are in a power struggle, it just won’t lead to anything positive. If women could understand that they do have just as much power, but that their power is of a different kind–still just as valuable and just as needed–they could begin thinking of a marriage as a true partnership rather than a competition to always be right, or prove they are contributing more, etc, etc.

  2. Jenniczyk
    May 20, 2011 at 12:01 am

    Great insight, you had several points that I had not thought about before. Mainly that the girlfriend may be the man’s sole support system… that tidbit alone may change my tactics. And I totally agree with Jenn. Women are trying to figure out how to be taken seriously as independent and capable partners, yet also make our man still feel like a provider. I feel like if you treat the relationship more as loyal friendship, it should be somewhat easier to have mutual and functional respect for each other.

  3. Beth
    July 27, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    This article is AWESOME. I have saved it on my computer where I can re-read it periodically, to remind myself the importance of being the kind, gentle woman to my man that God intended. Great perspective and a big THANK YOU for this article!

  4. I. Rosario
    December 1, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    God bless all of you for putting this info where women can find it! I am sick of walking around thinking I know a little something about men, and getting kicked in the teeth no matter what I do or how I act. This should be taught in Junior High School so girls know what they will face in the future and can navigate the social waters to find a quality man. Though I’ve had quite a few bad experiences, I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone. We shall see… ;)
    Thanks again! :)

  5. Sophia
    December 14, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Amazing article I’m so happy I came across. I didn’t realize we are our men’s entire emotional support system. What a powerful discovery! Knowing this will make me want to be there for him and treat him (and our relationship) with a velvet glove. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this treasure of an article. S.C., from NYC

  6. C. M. Hebson
    February 26, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    These comments come from my heart and not from a negative place. I have a successful marriage of almost 30 years and am very proud that I treat my man with respect and admiration. There will always be times when we don’t communicate the best we could, but our philosophy is that we speak to each other as politely and carefully as we would a stranger, so as not to hurt each others feelings. When you are tired and angry the worst things are said to those you love the most. Why we do this is beyond, me but it is something we both have been working on because we love each other very much.

    Your article is a bit unfair when you speak in generalities of the woman being at fault for a man retreating. It isn’t always so, my man’s darkest days were when his father passed away, it was a long time before he came back to me, I tried to respect his need to “be away” during this very dark time.

    A wise women once said to me, “a man, a real man, takes a long time to love, but when he loves it is very deep, and strong and true”, women tend to love softly, often and spread it around to all her family and friends. If you understand that, you will look into your mans eyes and give him what he needs naturally, respect, admiration and love for all his good and his faults.

    Sincerely,

  7. admin
    March 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Thanks for the comment and thank you for being so kind with your comment. This article was just about one reason why a man might pull away. There are many other reasons why a man might pull away and you are right that women are not solely to blame. This article was just focusing on one aspect that women can control to stop a man from pulling away. It was not trying to say that women are the sole problem. Communication is not good, if everybody get confused by what you are trying to say, so thank you for pointing that out, so I could clarify it.

    Paul Wright

  8. April 19, 2012 at 5:38 am

    wow, awesome post.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  9. vanessa
    January 16, 2013 at 10:35 am

    thank you for this article. I will definitely remember to be his support all the time so he will not pull away from me. Thank you again.

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