Mike came to me the other day really excited about this conversation he was just a part of with two female friends of his. After hearing the story I asked him to write it down so you could all read it.
A few weeks back, I was having lunch with a friend Pam, and her colleague. Pam’s in her mid 30s and came out of a long term relationship about a year ago now. She’s pretty and has a very outgoing, friendly and social personality. Her colleague, Dee, is in her 50’s and she’s trying to help Pam find the man of her desires. Here’s the gist of their little dialogue. I just sat back quietly and observed as this was going on…
Pam: You know I just want a guy who’s tall, dark and handsome and knows how to treat a lady well. And he needs to be very successful since I have an expensive taste and like to live a good life.
Dee: I know a perfect guy for you. He’s a friend of the family. He’s 36. He’s a very successful computer consultant, travelling all over North America and Europe. He’s of Italian background and he’s definitely tall, dark and handsome. He’s a bit on the shy side and he’s always treated the girls I’ve seen him with like gold.
Pam: Yeah but I like a man that can keep things interesting. If he’s too shy and timid, I’ll get bored.
Dee: He’s very intelligent and well spoken actually. Everyone I know that knows him is very impressed with him.
Pam: He’s a computer consultant right? So does that mean that he’s always away and working long hours? I need a man that can be around and spend time with me and take care of me. Otherwise it’ll be boring and I’ll get tired of life with him.
Dee: Sweetie if you want your man to have lots of money and give you a good life style, you need to compromise a little.
Pam: Is he fit. Like does he work out and have a nice solid body? Some of those techie types don’t have very good bodies. Also, you said he’s Italian. He’s not one of those guys that expects the girl to cook and clean for him does he? Or for his wife to stay home and just take care of the home and the kids. Cause I don’t do that and I’m not planning on it……..
OK ladies I bring this up because I’ve been part of or witness to lots of conversations like this before. We live in a world where we’re bombarded by the media with ideas as to what a perfect relationship and partner should look like. But as you know, you don’t look or behave exactly like the perfect woman that men see on TV and movies, so don’t go out there looking for that perfect man according the media. And yes, I know men do the same thing too, looking for the perfect girl – but we’re not here for them, we’re here for you.
Be honest with yourself. If your man was tall, dark and handsome, had a good solid body, worked out, was very successful and had lots of money – then would it be too much to presume that he’s got a good head on his shoulders and knows what’s what in the world? So would this type of man want a woman that appreciates him for who he is? If he’s also someone that treats his lady with respect and takes care of her, don’t you think that he’d feel like he deserves the same in return? Wouldn’t you? What makes you think he’ll want a woman with Pam’s attitude as a long term partner? What I’m trying to say is, if you can actually find a guy with all of these qualities and when you tell him “I don’t cook and clean, work out, but I expect you as the man to do all that, plus provide me with a comfortable living” – if he stick around and still wants to love you and be with you… there’s something wrong with him. Either he doesn’t know what he deserves or he’s trying too hard to get you for sex – either way, it’s not gonna last and it might get very ugly before it ends.
Sincerely,
Mike Shepherd
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Paul’s Thoughts
Thanks for the article Mike and I’m glad you brought this conversation to light. I hear this type of conversation with female friends all the time, I even hear women talking about it casually on the street. Pam is suffering from “over consumerism” meaning she enjoys shopping so much that her dating life has just become an extension of shopping.
Just reread the whole conversation, every time Pam talks about men she describes them as if they are a product for her to purchase. The product needs to be a certain height, weight and I prefer the darker model. She never once talks about the type of characteristics of a man, instead all she ever talks about is what a man needs to be able to do for her. He needs to make lots of money to buy things for her, he can’t work too much because he needs to spend lots of time with her to keep her entertained, and he needs to cook and clean because Pam doesn’t do that.
Pam wants everything but she doesn’t want to give anything in return. There are a couple of problems with this:
1) If this guy is so great like you said Mike why would he want to be with a woman who wants so much but has absolutely no interest in giving to back. Remember relationships are a partnership meaning giving and taking is equal.
2) She wants the perfect man, but she doesn’t understand there are no perfect men. In fact there are no perfect women. All human beings are flawed in some form or another. You need to accept a man’s flaws the same way the man is going to accept yours.
If Pam doesn’t realize this her chances of getting married with be slim to none. Sure she’ll date lots but once a guy realizes everything she wants and how little she gives in return the thought of her as a long term partner will not be considered. Its one thing to be picky about the person you want to be with but its another thing to be completely selfish.
Sincerely,
Paul Wright
paulwright@decodingmen.com