First, let me admit that I love watching the reality show “Married At First Sight.” It is one of my guilty pleasures. I am a people watcher in life and a reality show like this takes totally normal life occurrences and amplifies them 1000 fold. Thereby producing such magical emotional responses and/or bringing forth some of the worst dark emotions that can be expressed. The point of this article is not to discuss how entertaining a show like this can be, but one major factor that all four experts on the show missed.
The point of the show is to have two highly compatible (as determined by the experts) strangers to marry and thus be forced to work on developing a loving supportive relationship. The basis of this idea is the fact that arranged marriages statistically have a higher success rate than marriages based on love. Not to mention that arranged marriages when polled state they are more in love 10, 20, 30 years later than when they first met. Compare this to marriages based on love that say they are less in love after the same amount of time.
The point is that arranged marriages forces two people to work together to develop a loving relationship as many cultures that have this custom don’t believe in divorce. Which means you either work to be happy or you remain unhappy for the rest of your life with someone you hate. Compare that to marriages of love that tend to just divorce when the spark is no longer there.
* Please know that what I have expressed is just my opinion based on what I saw on the Married At First Sight show. I didn’t get to spend hours in private discussion with these couples as the experts have, so I can only express my views on what has been broadcasted for public viewing.
The two couples I want to focus on were Davina/Sean and Jaclyn/Ryan. When these couples meet each other for the first time, they are already standing at the alter and I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that first meeting would be. Obviously the women are hesitant, who is this man, is he a good man or a complete psycho?
As in normal life, woman tend to be hesitant to most men when they first meet them. It is a natural reaction to keep an arms length to any new man as a way for a woman to protect themselves. Thus having dealt with this before Sean and Ryan tried their best to go slow, give the women the distance they needed to feel safe and provide the support they would need to open up to them. While they weren’t perfect (as nobody is) I thought the guys were very understanding and patient.
This allowed Davina and Jaclyn time to slowly feel comfortable with the decision they had made and the man they would be with.
Unlike women, men tend to jump into relationships. They don’t have to worry about being unsafe around a strange woman, because most men are bigger than the women they date. This lends to a man feeling as though any situation that may arise he would be able to get out of it. Not to mention that men are genetically programed to ensure the survival of their genes they must mate with as many women as possible. For a man, it is very easy to jump right into a relationship.
Where the problem for men occurs is when they start developing a relationship. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship many men can face a moment of panic. Am I making the right decision by being with this woman? Is this the kind of woman I want to be with? Is she the kind of woman that will support me no matter how bad life gets?
While jumping into a relationship with a woman is easy for men, this moment of panic can cause many men to pull back and seem like they are withdrawing from the woman and the relationship. This is a factor where how a woman responds is the most important and where the experts I feel missed in helping the couples through their relationships.
Both Sean and Ryan were hit by “what have I done” feelings and sadly both Davina and Jaclyn reacted the same way. Both women reacted by attacking their partner and demanding that they either reciprocate their feelings or the relationship will end. This is absolutely the worst thing you can do.
Unlike women, men do not have many supportive relationships for when they are truly vulnerable. Most men have none. Male friends tend to not provide any kind of support on the emotionally vulnerable front. This means that men not only look to their romantic partner/lover/girlfriend/wife to be that calm, caring, nurturing support when they are emotionally vulnerable, but chances are that their partner is their only support during those times.
What this means is that when a man becomes scared and his emotions overwhelm him what he needs from his partner is a loving, caring, understanding and supportive environment. This will not only help him to work through these difficult feelings, it will make him more comfortable in the relationship know that he can count on the woman to help and support him. Thus confirming that his partner is the right woman for him and this relationship is what he needs in his life.
What both Davina and Jaclyn did (or that was shown on tv) was to attack Sean and Ryan when they appeared to be pulling away. They took it as a personal reflection on themselves and that the men were rejecting them.
Some of the things that were said by the women were:
“I am a girl who wants to be f@*king courted, do you get that? I want affection, and I want all that s@*t. And if I don’t get it, why am I helping you to adapt to Manhattan if you don’t really want to be here.”
Remember when it comes to relationships and communication it is not what is said, but how the other person understands what you said. As a man, how I understand this comment to be is that she really doesn’t care how he is feeling, instead she wants him to get over whatever he is going through and give her want she needs to feel loved.
For most men this is a massive red flag and will just cause them to pull away even further. The guy is hurt, scared and vulnerable and the support he receives is suck it up and give me what I want. Most guys get enough of that from their guy friends. They don’t need more of it from their partner.
“…that shows me a man that is weak”
“I have learned that I need a really strong man with me and beside me”
Insult a man’s manhood while he is down and exposing his vulnerable side to you and watch him pull as far away from you as possible.
“I’m not going to be your caretaker”
This essentially means to a man, don’t ever show weakness because as the woman in this relationship I am not here to take care of you or support you. You are here to take care of me, but you will not receive that in return.
“I don’t want to continue getting emotionally invested and you have all these doubts. And your thinking whats the point.”
A man could potentially interpret this to mean, either have the feelings that I want you to have or I won’t be here if you do decide to come around. Again, essentially what it means is that I, as the woman will not give you, the man the same kind of support that you gave me when I was feeling insecure and emotionally vulnerable.
I hope you can see how attacking a man when he is feeling overwhelmed can in turn cause him to pull even further away. However, if you treat a man the same way you would like to be treated when you are emotionally vulnerable that is with the patient caring support that you need, you will find most men coming back and being even more invested in the relationship than before.
With that said, please know I am not saying that the guys didn’t do anything wrong. It takes two to cause a relationship to fail. Since this website is for women looking to improve their relationships with men, I thought this was an important point to discuss. Not to mention, that in all the discussions the experts had with the couples, it seemed that this was one factor that was never talked about.
What did you think of these two couples? Do you feel what I have discussed could have played a factor in the couples not working out? What factors do you think played into the breakup of the relationships?
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