Archive for December, 2010
Please during the holidays, don’t worry about all the stupid and crazy things men do during the holidays. Don’t worry about not having the relationship you want, but may not have. Put all your concerns with men aside. Instead enjoy the holidays and remember to share your love with each other.
A meaningful hug and saying I love you is the best present anybody can ever receive. So don’t be cheap in giving out your hugs this holiday season.
For as long as I can remember, I have had a magical bedroom door. Regardless of where I live, the entryway to the room I occupy has always had distinct magical powers. Specifically, if I leave clothes I have worn in a heap beside one of these fantastic portals, within two or three days those same clothes appear washed, dried and folded in my dresser or wardrobe, ready to be used again. Admittedly, my long-suffering wife realized years ago that I lack the gene that enables me to locate the laundry hamper, and so has conceded to perpetuating the magical door myth. But she also knows that she will never have to mow the lawn or put out the rubbish. Why? Because they are my jobs.
It seems rather arbitrary when you look at it objectively, but as always in relationships, objectivity has very little to do with it. The expectations of who locates the laundry hamper and who hauls the garbage bags down to the curb are determined by history – specifically, our family histories. Growing up, it was always my Dad’s job to get out the mower, tinker with it a while and then sweat his way around the lawn while we kids tried not to get in the way. And similarly, Mom always took care of the laundry, to the point that it was vaguely mysterious to me what actually went on in that little room that smelled of spring blossoms and old socks.
After my wife and I met and eventually married, these things came into focus as conflicts waiting to happen. What rapidly became clear was that there were a myriad of roles that we had learned that might not mesh particularly well. In my family, Dad washed the dishes; Mom and the kids dried and put them away (dishwashers were still a little way off being everyday appliances back then). In my wife’s family, you did whatever was required. Those first few times I found the sink already occupied left me with a vague sense of disquiet, because it clashed with the role expectations I had inherited. Similarly, in my wife’s family, it was Dad’s job to carve the meat at dinner time. In mine, it was a shared role which I had never paid attention to. Our first time hosting friends for a roast dinner left me feeling remarkably inadequate as I struggled to meet an expectation I hadn’t prepared for.
The point is, when we come to a relationship we often assume roles according to what we have learned, usually from our own family growing up. What we need to recognize is that family traditions and roles vary widely, and just because we have certain expectations of the man or woman of the house’s duties, it does not mean that our partner will share them. So if your man finishes dinner with thanks and smiles but leaves the table looking like the remnants of a barbarian feast, it may not mean he is lazy and selfish – he may just be working off a family pattern that he has never considered changing. Similarly, if he won’t let you iron his shirts, it might not mean he doesn’t trust you or isn’t willing to let you care for him. He might have just grown up with a Dad who did his own ironing.
The thing to remember, as always, is that communication can stop these bumps in the road from becoming potholes. By explaining what you expect and exploring where both of your expectations come from you might be able to establish new family traditions that you can both work with, and prevent a lot of frustration along the way. And maybe the magical doors in your house will become magical laundry hampers instead. You can always hope.
I think the most important point to take from this discussion is communication. So many people believe that knowing their partner means, knowing what his favorite colour is, or all time favorite movie. More important things to know would probably be trying to understand who your partner is:
* what makes him tick
* how was he raised
* what his family is like, what is his mom like, what was his dad like, what was their relationship like
* and what his expectations of a household would be.
By having open communication in your relationship and learning these types of things about your partner, will help to prevent more future arguments, then knowing his favorite colour is blue. Most guys will never lose any sleep if you can never remember his favorite movie. Yet, If you do something that the way his mom used to do it, he will feel right at home. Of course to do that you must understand him and he must understand you. The only way that is possible is through communication.
P.S. Do you have a question you would like Dan to answer, or any of the other guys at Decoding Men:
1) Please be specific when you ask your question. Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response. What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?
2) At the end of the email, give us your initials and tell us where you are from.
You’ve Got Him Nibbling at the Bait – Now Set the Hook!
Every woman knows how to attract a man. It’s really not much different from attracting a mouse or a fish. If you tantalize him with your irresistible bait, he will be fascinated and move in for a closer look. But he’s not a fish or a mouse; you can’t spring a trap or jerk the hook to keep him from getting away, and you can’t put him in a headlock and toss him into a gunnysack. There are, however, a lot of things you can do to make him choose to stick around.
So, now that you have him eagerly following your trail of breadcrumbs, what can you do to make him yours? A lot of advice will tell you to look at closing the deal like you are snaring a fox or a rabbit against its will. A more appropriate analogy might be to look at it like you are breaking and saddling a horse. There will be some fight, but a balanced combination of discipline, boundaries, and sugar cubes will give you the best results. If you do it right, you’ll have a loyal companion forever.
Crank up the sexual tension
You know how to get a man’s attention, but (even though you enjoy the gratification just as much as we do) you somehow have the capacity to reel in your desires. That’s a good thing. You generally do a great job of controlling the drip of earthly delights. Your instincts correctly warn you that too much too soon could be fatal to developing a long-term relationship, plus you need society, your mother, and yourself to view you as a virtuous lady.
Your job is to make him ache for the world of possibilities that could become available beneath your bra and panties. Always let him hope, and keep him interested with small samples—your touch, your kiss, you’re your closeness. No, of course that is not all that a good man is looking for, but it is his first instinct and your foot in the door. It’s why he sees you as a mystical enchantress and not as a fishing buddy. The potential of a consummating oneness of being is a powerful and magnetic force for both of you. Make the most of it.
Let me offer you a little bit of advice for how you can really maximize his physical need for you without fulfilling his desires quite yet. First of all, never underestimate the power of a woman’s touch. Your perfect, silky skin is irresistible. The closer your body is to him, the more he will feel something inside pulling him closer and closer. Get within an intimate distance when you’re conversing; you should almost be able to touch your nose with your thumb and his with the pinky of your same hand. Now use your fingers to comb his hair back off his forehead—and make sure you slowly caress his cheek with your hand, maintaining eye contact the whole time, as you draw it back. If he wasn’t sure about his desires before, he will be after that; and if he was already intrigued, he will definitely want to stick around for more. Don’t let him enjoy holding your hand or touching your arm continuously; you’re not an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Now, when you are snuggled on the couch watching TV and talking, your bodies will generate a lot of warmth. Get up and run to the kitchen for a minute and let him feel the stark, cold reality of the world without you. Especially if your closeness generated a little sweat, he will feel a distinct chill when you leave. He will want and need the comfort of having you near. When you return, he will try to pull you back, but run off again, perhaps to the bathroom, and make him really miss you and long for you to come back. Do the same thing again every 45 minutes. Keep him wanting you, needing you , and missing you.
Moving From Lust To Love
At this point, every fiber in his body is wanting more of you. You job now is to transfer all of those tingly feelings in his pants and his belly into his brain. This can be at home, at a restaurant, or anyplace where you can talk inside of that intimate zone long enough to get his juices flowing. By all means, don’t say, “Do you like me?” or, “I really like you” or, “I think we would make beautiful babies together.” Instead, you treat him like a fellow human and a friend.
Lean back just outside of the intimate zone to the distance from which he would talk to his buddies. Pick out something that impressed you in your conversation, look him in the eye with a serious face, a firm jaw, and a slightly nodding head, and say something like, “You know, I think that was brilliant and professional the way you handled that situation at work. You were firm but fair.” Or you might comment on the nice way he treats his mother or on a major accomplishment. Just remember that men want to be complimented on their competence, intelligence, and usefulness—so don’t be a girl and tell him what great abs he has. Pay him a compliment that a guy might give him.
What you’ve just done in that moment is to take all of those lusty feelings and that tingly goodwill towards you and transferred it from his groin area into his brain. He is already on an endorphin-filled high from your physical presence and touch, and now those good feelings toward you are emblazoned into his mind. This is the alchemy that transforms lust into love. This is what makes him want and need you and not just any feminine delights. This is a real bond and a real connection on a human level.
That’s how to saddle a horse, hook a fish, and win a man’s heart. Like a boxer, you set it up with those little physical body jabs, and you finish it off with a roundhouse uppercut to the head. Use your wonderful feminine wiles and get him a little worked up. Touch his arm and his face, and then touch his heart and win a place in his mind. This way you can build an emotional, compassionate, and friendly connection before you jump to the physical deed. The same rules your mother taught you still apply: Have your meat and potatoes before you open the cookie jar.
We would love to hear what you think , if you would like to share your opinion on the subject or have something that you would like to add, just add your comment below to let us know what you think.
I know it sucks, but you have to change his feelings of lust to love. If you keep the relationship on a sexual level, the relationship will fizzle out once the sexual heat cools down. If you can get him to view you as an important part of his life, someone he wants to share his successes with and go to when times are tough. Now you will have a man loving you and sharing his life with you.
P.S. Do you have a question you would like John to answer, or any of the other guys at Decoding Men:
1) Please be specific when you ask your question. Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to on on, to provide a decent response. What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?
2) At the end of the email, give us your initials and tell us where you are from.